Had my only aspiration been acting, I guess I could have stayed. I had been signed by a large commercial agent, though I was being sent out for "Latino" roles I really wasn't "ethnic" (read "nuyorican mixed-racial") enough to get. Theatrical representation was a little harder to come by, but not impossible, and I was already freelancing with a few different agencies. And, although the pace of life--the lifestyle--didn't sit too well with my nervous system or my pocketbook, I didn't leave New York to escape...
I left it to come home. I left a city that didn't need me to come to a city that I thought might, and one that I cared a great deal about. Anyone who has spent any significant time in Miami, and outside of it, is accustomed to the criticism:
-Miami is shallow.
-Miami is so image-oriented.
-Miami "has no culture".
But, while the criticisms do have merit, at least when your speaking about a "native Miami culture", I thought maybe that was due in part to the exodus of so many of its best intellectuals, artists, and other "cultured natives". These "best and brightest" accepted Miami's fate as written, and despite a powerful connection to the city, which they sometimes denied or resented in themselves, moved, and pretended to move on.
So, with "Field of Dreams" on the brain, I decided to try to build it, hoping Miami would come. It's been a slow process. The last two years have been a lot about finding some roots here, establishing routing, getting my personal life in order--basically, survival. Along the way I've managed to create a few different things: a couple of short films, some video shorts, a mock-concert, a play reading--minor stuff, but enough to start testing the waters. The results have been mixed, but mostly land on the positive side of things, with always much improvement left to be made.
But, above all, the most common response I hear when I tell someone I'm an actor in Miami is: "But, shouldn't you be in LA? Or New York?" I don't blame them for asking a fair question. The truth is there's a LOT more work in those towns for actors than in Miami. But, the question is a symptom of a bigger issue, which is that, by and large, Miamians don't believe they need actors. New York is arguably the financial capitol of the World, but no one asks my friend why he's a financial adviser in Miami, or my other friend why he's an investment banker. They see a need for those professions. But actors? What about directors? Writers? How about theater or film artists of any kind? It seems a lot of the time like the answer is no.
So, you can imagine how this attitude can be demoralizing to a person trying to tell stories for Miami. It's one thing to feel unneeded. It's a completely different thing to feel unwanted--especially in your hometown. They say life doesn't go in circles, but it does spiral, and I feel like I'm in familiar territory again.
That's why I'm giving myself a deadline, here, on this newest of ventures:
If by April 1st, 2010 I still feel unwanted, I'm out.
It's not an ultimatum--after all, you can't threaten when nothing's at stake--it's a goal I'm setting for myself. I have a year to convince you that you want me here--that you want someone here to tell your stories. I realize that the measure for success, or failure, is completely subjective, but I'm OK with that. I'm confident my expectations are completely reasonable, and that I have plenty of people around me with enough good judgment to tell me if I'm full of shit. If I fail, it doesn't mean I won't try again. Maybe it's just my timing that's off. But, if insanity is repeating the same action expecting different results, then I've got to put some sort of method to my madness.
So, this is it.
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